You Make Me Feel
by monochromemermaid
Summary: "Sorry, I just… you make me feel whole again. Happy. I'm not used to it yet." / Newtmas / Modern AU


The frigid air bit at his skin as he stood on the balcony, leaning on the railing, his eyes staring into the dark sky that stretched above him. He was pretty sure his eyes mirrored what he was seeing. There were no stars in the sky, there was no light in his eyes. It was that time between winter and fall where everything was just cold and bitter and he just felt so god damn empty. It was either really late or really early, but Newt couldn't find it in himself to care. He just felt numb.

His eyes scanned the sky, looking for something in their depths but he couldn't find anything. There were no answers, there was no solace. He used to be able to find clarity out here on the restless nights, the sleepless nights, _the bad nights_ , but yet here he was and he could find absolutely nothing except darkness hovering over him. He choked out a hollow laugh and looked down, his eyes flickering to the dim lights of the city below him.

He watched as occasional cars passed by and memories of his own late night adventures would flow in and out of his mind but nothing helped. He didn't feel happiness at the memories, he didn't feel anything. He tried and tried to remember what it felt like to be the one laughing in the back seat of a taxi cab, or walking down a sidewalk in the yellow glow of the streetlamps, and yet there was nothing to lift his heart up from the weight it felt.

He licked his lip as he looked back out at everything, trying to ignore the overwhelming feeling that was building up inside him. He was all too familiar with this city at this hour, when everyone is asleep and the quietness is almost too loud to bear. Newt always thought it was funny how silence can be so damn loud when the only sounds you hear are your breathing, your thoughts, your nightmares, your demons.

There was no escape for him. Whether his eyes were open or closed, they followed him everywhere. He felt a lump in his throat and he shook his head, trying to get rid of it but it was no use. It had been building up for so long, he'd been trying his best to bury it deep down but everything has to come out sometime, especially this. If Newt kept it bottled up, it all just exploded eventually and he hated himself for it when it did.

Newt bit his lip, his eyes wandering back to the sky and he couldn't help but wonder if it would ever get better. He just felt this pain in his chest and it hurt so fucking bad. He felt so pathetic but he couldn't give a damn at the same time. He felt tears sting the backs of his eyes and he knew where this was headed and he let out a shaky breath, watching as it evaporated in front of him. His hands gripped the railing so hard his knuckles turned white and his hands were shaking, his world was shaking, and then…

Then he felt a familiar pair of arms wrap around him from behind and _god,_ he almost crumbled right then and there. His eyes squeezed shut and he tried not to breathe as he felt a soft pair of lips on his neck, pressing into his skin gently. He felt more than heard the breath on his skin as those lips made their way up to his ear. "Newt?"

And that's all it takes for Newt to finally let go. He tries to pull out of Thomas' arms, tries to push away the one fucking person who can actually help him but Thomas' arms turn into iron around him as Thomas realizes what's happening and then all Newt can hear as he's being pulled inside are comforting whispers falling off the other boy's lips.

Tears blur his vision as sobs start to wrack his body and he can't even see as Thomas guides him over to the bed, his arms still wrapped firmly around Newt's body. Newt can't help as sob after sob heave through his body and he feels Thomas' hands on his back, holding him close, rubbing in circles. He hears Thomas' voice, too soothing and too gentle, hushing soft reassurances to him. Thomas is trying to give him that solace, that comfort that he was looking for in the stupid sky earlier and _God,_ Newt feels so stupid. His sobs start to come out harder, louder, and Thomas turns him around in his arms and Newt grabs onto the other boy's shoulders like his life depends on it as his sobs turn into violent screams that ripple out of his throat.

Thomas' arms tighten around him and suddenly they're laying down and Newt's gripping on to Thomas, clinging to him because God knows he's the only thing that keeps Newt sane and grounded anymore. He's the only thing that helps. The screams fade away after a while, after Newt starts to feel drained, but he's a fucking mess and he can't stop the tears that smear over Thomas' chest. His cries are soft but he sounds so fucking broken and it just reminds him that he _is_ broken.

And yet Thomas is still holding onto him, still whispering to him, still _loving_ him and it breaks his heart, rips it straight in two.

"God Tommy, I'm so sorry." Newt's voice is wrecked and he sounds awful but Thomas doesn't care, he never does. He just leans back and grabs Newt's jaw, forcing the blonde haired boy to look at him.

"Newt, don't apologize. Don't **ever** apologize." Tommy's voice is low and Newt can't help the watery way his voice sounds when he breathes in, his eyes squeezing shut as tears continue to escape and run down his cheeks.

"Bloody hell Tommy, I hate this. I hate doing this to you, you shouldn't have to deal with this, deal with me." Newt's heart really is breaking because he loves this boy more than anything in the whole world and that's why it hurts. Because Thomas loves him, too, and he shouldn't. He really fucking shouldn't. "You should just leave me." Newt knows it's the wrong thing to say after the words have tumbled from his mouth and he hears Thomas go still, his breathing stop short. He opens his eyes again and Thomas' amber ones are looking back, just as broken, _because of him,_ and Newt hates himself all over again. His jaw stiffens up and he's on his feet, clenching his fists in total anger at himself and he wants nothing more than to punch the wall, _punch something_ , but before he can even take a step, Thomas has his hand wrapped around Newt's fist and the way he sounds when he speaks just brings Newt to pieces.

"How the fuck could you say that? How could you say that to me?" He sounds hurt and so, so, _so_ fucking broken and it's all Newt's fault and something just burns up inside Newt again because he rips himself out of Thomas' grasp and his fist goes straight for the wall. It's like an animalistic rage that flares up and Newt can't stop himself from winding his fist back and punching the wall again, and again. He goes for a fourth but he feels Thomas throw his arms around him again and God knows Newt just fucking melts when it comes to him. It's when he feels the tears on his back that his teeth clench and his nails dig into the palms of his skin and _fuck_ does he hate himself right now.

"God damn it, Tommy, I'm so sorry." Newt's voice is broken but he won't cry again. He won't, he can't. Not like last time, anyway. He turns around and the betrayal and hurt in Thomas' eyes is almost too much to bear. It shreds him up inside. He feels guilt wash over him in thick waves as he thinks about how his eyes must mirror them. "I love you Tommy. Fuck, I love you more than I love myself. But you deserve someone better than this." Newt's voice is so shaky, so unsteady, and he just feels so ashamed that closing his eyes isn't enough as he pulls out of Thomas' arms and sits on the bed, his eyes glued to the floor. "I'm a mess, Tommy, a real bloody mess. And you deserve to be with someone who makes you happy. Someone who you don't have to wake up for at 4 am every god damn morning because they're so broken and messed up. God, Tommy, you deserve better than me but I'm too fucking selfish to let you go." Newt's shaking his head and he feels an onslaught of tears again when suddenly Thomas is there, kneeling in front of him, looking up at him.

"Is that what you really think? That you don't make me happy? That you're not enough for me?" Newt swallows the lump in his throat and looks up at Tommy, _his Tommy,_ and he swears in that moment that Thomas is a fucking angel sent from God because just the look in his eyes has Newt's heart feeling alive again, feeling full. Thomas' hand reaches out and touches Newt's cheek so gently, so softly that Newt almost wants to cry all over again because _how in the world did someone like him ever find this wonderful, beautiful boy_. "I love you to death Newt. You don't see yourself the way I do. How could I not love you? I don't care how broken you think you are, I don't care how much you hate yourself, I'm always going to love you with my whole heart. God, sometimes I love you so much it just overwhelms me and I-" Newt can't take it anymore though and he doesn't even let Thomas finish speaking before he grabs Thomas' face and crashes his lips onto the brown eyed boy's.

The second Thomas kissed him back, Newt felt whole again. Every piece of him felt put together and for once, he didn't feel so bad, so broken. Tommy always made him feel like that. He pressed his lips against the other boy's as hard as he could, trying to make Thomas feel the way he felt. He could feel Thomas' hands threading themselves in his hair while his own hands had found their way onto the other's boy's back, mapping the dips of his shoulder blades and running over the ripples of his muscles. Newt sighed into the kiss as he carefully laid the other boy across the bed. He felt tears mashing between the skin on their cheeks and he couldn't tell whose they were but he didn't care. All that mattered was Tommy. Their lips fought against each other's passionately, roughly. Their kisses were teeth clashing and lips bruising and just pure desperation and raw emotion. Newt kissed him like his life depended on it, because it sure as hell felt that way. He pulled away from the boy's lips, latching onto the closest skin he could find. He listened as breathy gasps escaped from Thomas' lips as he peppered soft kisses in a trail down the other boy's jaw, onto his neck, down to his collarbones. Thomas was a fucking treasure and Newt would be damned if he didn't make it known.

But he never got the chance as Thomas grabbed his shoulders and pulled him away. Newt looked up into the other boy's brilliant brown eyes and his heart ached but in such a good way that he felt his lips curve up until they were in a full on grin and his eyes were brimming with tears as he looked at this boy, this wonderful and amazing boy who had _saved_ him.

"God, I love you Tommy." Newt whispered as he closed his eyes, letting tears spill onto his eyelashes as he leaned his forehead against Thomas'. He felt Thomas pull him closer before his hands made their way up to Newt's face, grabbing each side of his face. Newt opened his eyes and his heart burst a bit as he saw the sincere look of pure adoration in those amber eyes he loved so much.

"And I love you, Newt. So no more crying, okay?" Newt laughed and he nodded as Thomas used the pad of his thumb to wipe away the last of the tears on Newt's face. "I hate seeing you hurt. It hurts me more than anything." Newt didn't say anything as he stared back at the other boy, at the boy he loved more than anything and anyone. He smiled once more, a small smile, but he nodded, pursing his lips together before taking a shaky breath in.

"Sorry, I just… you make me feel whole again. Happy. I'm not used to it yet." There was a tone in Newt's voice and he was afraid the other boy would pick up on it. It was a tone of fear, the fear that Thomas would leave one day and Newt would be left even worse than he'd been before.

The fear was pushed away as Newt felt Thomas' arms wrap around him, pulling him into the other boy's chest as his lips found their way to Newt's forehead. Newt's eyes fluttered shut as he leaned into the kiss, his body flooding with warmth. "Don't worry, Newt. I'm not going anywhere." And that's all Newt needed to hear. As he laid there, his head resting against the soft planes of Thomas' chest, listening to the other boy's heartbeat, he knew he'd never be able to let Tommy go. He'd always be selfish when it came to Tommy, because the boy was his fucking world and he'd be damned if he let the one person who made him _feel_ get away.

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 **A.N – That was my first Newtmas fic, I hope you guys liked it, and feedback would be much appreciated! So favorite, review, PM, anything really.**


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